A little bad reading.

Start Here

If you want to be Father of the Year, this is not your book. Put it back. Try one with a smiling family on the cover.

Still here? Good. Let's lower some expectations.

Being a bad father takes practice. Anyone can forget a school event. You need to forget it twice: once when it happens, and again when your child tells you about it.

This manual will help you fail on purpose. You will learn to avoid listening, turn simple jobs into family problems, and demand praise for things everyone else does on a Tuesday.

The instructions are easy. Follow each step. Repeat until someone says, "I'll just do it myself." That is the sound of progress.

You may already have some useful skills. Do you say "one minute" without moving? Explain things you don't understand? Know the television remote better than the school schedule? Excellent. We can work with that.

Don't worry if you occasionally get something right. Even the worst dads have off days. The key is to avoid making a habit of it.

For now, sit down and open this book. If your child asks what you're doing, say you're working on yourself.

Then ask them to get you a drink. Personal growth is thirsty work.

How to Ignore Your Children

Your children would like your attention. Unfortunately, you are using it to watch a man clean a driveway. He has nearly reached the garage. This is no time to abandon him.

Your goal is to be in the room without becoming available. A sofa, a screen, and a convincing pair of closed eyes will help.

Step 1 Pick something more important

Choose a screen and stare at it. The screen does not need to show anything good. A man cleaning a driveway will do. You don't know him. You don't own a driveway. Still, he has started, and you owe him your support.

When your child approaches, hold up one finger. This means "wait." Keep watching. If they ask how long, hold up the same finger again. You have now answered two questions without speaking.

If they stand in front of the screen, lean to one side. They may move with you. Lean the other way. Congratulations. You have found a family activity you can do sitting down.

Step 2 Make one minute last all day

Say "one minute" whenever your child asks for attention. Say it again when they return. Each new request starts a new minute. Explain this rule only if you want another conversation.

A determined child may bring a timer. Stay calm. When it rings, say you meant after this video.

When the video ends, another will start. You did not build the internet. You cannot be held responsible for how it works.

If your child asks why the man cleaning the driveway matters more than they do, look shocked.

"He doesn't matter more."

Then add, "Move a little. He's doing the corners."

Step 3 Fall asleep on purpose

When the questions won't stop, close your eyes. You don't actually need to sleep. You just need everyone else to believe it.

Keep hold of the remote. Your eyes are closed, but that does not mean the family gets to choose a show.

Start with gentle breathing. Add a small snore. Avoid loud snoring too early. You are supposed to be tired, not starting a lawn mower.

Your child will test you.

"Dad, are you asleep?"

Do not say yes. That is a beginner's mistake.

If they say they can't find the remote, stay silent. Shouting "Under my leg!" will undo all your hard work.

Step 4 Admire the drawing from a safe distance

A child holding a drawing can follow you from room to room. You will need a response that sounds complete.

"That's a very good house."

"It's a dog."

"I meant the dog's house."

"That's its head."

Do not move closer. More detail will only reduce your options. Say you particularly like the colors. If it is a pencil drawing, explain that gray is a color.

Now suggest putting it somewhere special. This should be a place the child must visit without you. The refrigerator is excellent. So is the noticeboard, provided nobody expects you to find a pin.

If your child wants you to choose the place, gesture at an entire wall. Say, "Somewhere there." You have given direction without making a decision.

Later, when asked which drawing is yours to admire, choose the largest. If it belongs to a sibling, say you meant the whole display. You have always supported the arts as a group.

Check your progress

Look around the room. Has everyone found something to do that does not involve you? Stay exactly where you are. Any sudden movement could suggest you have finished resting.

If a child returns, hold up your finger. The minute is still running. You are not sure when it started, but you are very sure it has not ended.